Only Time Will Tell

There are people in my life that I love (though very, very few) and there are people in my life that I have very deep feelings for (although, also very few).  I have a long and tumultuous history with the people in my life that I love.  Of the people that I have very deep feelings for, I may or may not have a long history, but there are often extenuating circumstances.  My path was clear as recently as a year ago; there was a plan in my mind and steps were in place.  Then there were a couple of distractions; in fact, a huge one as of late.  Now I’m in limbo as to what to do, as my heart goes back and forth as to which is real love, which is guilt, which is passion and which is mainly physical.  I feel as if I’m being pushed and pulled by certain people who are, though not exactly demanding, but wanting of my time, energy and possibly love.  I can’t make everyone happy or give everyone what they need exactly when they want it.  After years of being unhappy and verging on being suicidal, I’m trying hard merely to keep myself in a positive place to deal with all of this emotional turmoil in my life.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love someone or that I don’t care, but it’s not fair to give me a guilt complex when I already spend so many nights in tears dwelling on the damage I did in the past and wondering how to make amends in the future.  This has certainly been said before, but if things/timing had been different in the past…  you know the rest.  I love in my own way, and I’ll care always and forever.  Let that be enough for now.  (I’ll probably regret posting this, then delete it in a day or two, but until then…  )