I’m sort of at a loss as to how to begin this post. Let’s start by saying that an ex called, then texted me last night; we haven’t seen each other in many years, but talk to each other infrequently throughout these more recent years. Though there was no message on my voice mail, his text informed me that he was in rehab. It took me by surprise, to say the least, but also caused a bit of worrying. When he didn’t answer my return call, I sent him a text asking what he was in rehab for, saying that I hoped he was ok, and adding that I sent my love and support in whatever he decided to do. He eventually called me back and we must have talked for about 2 hours. [We were seeing each other off and on back in my L.A. days. Then I moved to San Francisco. He ended up getting married, moving out of state and having a daughter. Ever since we’ve been talking again, he’s told me that he’s been unhappy for at least 8 years of his 12 years of marriage. It makes me sad every time he calls to tell me that he’s unhappy because, in my memories of him, he was always happy, as well as being one of the sweetest people ever. At one point, however, he did break my heart, which I never truly got over. If he’s reading this (which he probably isn’t, particularly since he’s in rehab), he probably never knew that. I was always playing the role of the Ice Princess. Now simply writing this is reminding me of a conversation we had at my apartment in West Hollywood, which caused me to cry and cry and cry; the only time he had ever seen me cry. Even writing this right now is also making me start to get a little teary-eyed again. But I digress. My intention is not to write too much about him and me and our past, only in relation to what’s happening with him now.] Well, so he has his vice, which is alcohol, and his wife has hers. I asked if maybe they set each other off, which is when their vices go beyond the normal boundaries. He admitted it’s true. He said that if there was ever a time to make a change in his life, it’s now. He’s not just referring to quitting drinking; he’s also referring to his marriage. Yet part of him is consumed with guilt. He thinks he owes it to her to try again, which she apparently wants to do now. He also wants to be around more for his daughter, who he’s particularly close to. I asked him if he would consider going back to his wife if they’d never had a daughter at all. He said, without hesitation, “No.” I said, “You already have your answer then.” My belief is that when some people have been together so long, unhappy or not, they’re afraid to be alone again. It’s scary; it’s not easy. I know from having gone through a divorce myself, in addition to going through several breakups of long-term relationships. What I said to him, as well as to a couple of other people who discussed their unhappy relationships and marriages with me, is “Why wake up unhappy every morning when you don’t have to? Why keep trying with someone who no longer appreciates you?” Even if he were to initiate a divorce as soon as he’s out of rehab, they still have something like 6 months to change their minds. However, once papers have been filed, the two parties involved will take it much more seriously as far as whether they want to go through with it or stay together. I’m all for second chances, but the truth is, things never go back to the way they were. I didn’t get married to babysit someone who has vices/issues/problems. I’m too selfish for that and readily admit it. I’m also not going to be a hypocrite and try to force my views on anyone with alcohol and/or drug problems, as I’ve been known to drink and party myself. Yet there comes a time when it’s not the same, when you’re ready to cut down or completely shut down that part of your life. The first step is realizing that and admitting when you’ve been wrong; quit trying to constantly blame others and own up to your part of it as well. Yet when someone is in your life every single day and their presence or actions have a profound negative effect on you, there’s no reason to keep dealing with it. If you love them and vice versa, counseling is always an option. Although it may not necessarily work in most situations, it certainly makes both involved more introspective and keenly aware of how the other person feels and perceives the situation. What is most striking in everyone who’s spoken to me about their failing relationships or failing marriages is that NONE of them have said to me that they still loved the other person. That speaks volumes in itself. Yet even when you love someone deeply, it’s not a guarantee of anything. Let’s be honest, love is NOT the answer to EVERYTHING. You can love a person, but still know that you’re not willing to go down that road with them any further.
At this point, it’s even difficult for me to continue logically writing this post. His unhappiness and that of someone else who discussed a similar situation with me even earlier in previous months has me a little out of sorts. I wish them both happiness. I wish them both love – if not with the person they’re currently married to, with another who will bring a positive and brighter light into their lives. An ending of one thing is also the beginning of another. Make your decision and don’t look back. Don’t have regrets, or not many. Do what you truly feel is right for you (regardless of what others think), even if it means giving it yet another shot, but make that decision with grace and conviction. If it doesn’t work out, don’t be bitter. We all deserve happiness and someone who truly loves us, and it’s a big world with so many more people to meet and so many more new and different experiences to have.
If none of this is making sense right now, my emotions are kicking in a little bit. As for the one who called last night and mentioned little brown keikis (you’ve actually said that to me many times before), yeah, it crossed my mind, too, all those years ago. You were/maybe still are one of the real loves of my life. To this day, you’ve never seemed to realize it.